But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
