yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
