My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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