I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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