Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
