I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
