wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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