Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Found your dick twin last night
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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