I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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