Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
