And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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