I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
