There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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