Whod you bang
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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