Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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