is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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