no, he came in my armpit
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
