Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
