Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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