His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
