the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
