I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
whose ass print is on the piano?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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