I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My orgasm happened in two different decades
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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