Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
