I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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