apparently the secret to your success is patron
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
