the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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