Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
