Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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