I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
