Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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