my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
