Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
