i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
