so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
