there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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