Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
