I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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