he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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