No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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