oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
