he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Your cock deserves a montage
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
