I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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