My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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