You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i've created a new STD.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
