Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
