I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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