I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
