Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
my liver is dry heaving
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
