Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
