She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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